Patrick Reed has sued the PGA Tour, Golf Channel, and uberdork Brandel Chamblee for over $750,000,000 for ruining his reputation. The 32-page complaint is, at times, laughable, and at others, highly laughable. I have never wanted a lawsuit to go to discovery more. The unintentional comedy might be too much to take. If Patrick thinks his reputation is ruined now, wait until we see how many burner accounts his wife Karen Justine has on Twitter.
And, as a resident of Houston, where Reed filed the lawsuit, I pray to the Lord Sweet Baby Jesus that I get picked for jury duty. If that happens, this message will self-destruct.
The complaint can be found here. It’s a pretty remarkable document. The highlights:
Patrick Reed has been victimized
Victimized! But really, only by his decorator. A Twitter sleuth used the address from court documents and found photos of his Woodlands, Texas, home.
When a Karen Justine strikes gold, you should expect William the Conqueror decor.
Patrick is a cuck
It’s legit to say you and your caddy won a tournament. Plenty of players do it. Except he stops saying when his wife is no longer his caddy. She’s got him by the ProV1s.
He’s a cuck.
Patrick is obtuse
Reed goes to Europe because there’s less TV coverage to document his cheating. It’s also a place where people don’t know to hate him yet.
And global professional golfer? He’s never won outside the US. I eat at IHOP – that doesn’t make me an international food connoisseur? Also, there’s nothing like making an over-the-top statement and then immediately pivoting to and, to sum it all up….
Patrick is not a man of the people
Constructively terminated means Pats thinks the PGA Tour made his life so hard that he had no choice but to quit. Except that PGA Tour golfers are independent contractors and he readily admits he was free to go play the DP World Tour. He made over $18.3 million on Tour in the last 5 years and has made $10.6 million in Europe.
I’m sure we’d all love to be constructively terminated so hard.
He’s a wordsmith
This is the most amazing sentence ever written:
How great is it? Here’s a list of just the nouns:
Matters
Furtherance
Threats
Actions
PGA Tour
Commissioner Jay Monahan
Mr. Reed
Chamblee
Golf Channel
Tortfeasors
PGA Tour
Executives
Commissioner Jay Monahan
Pattern
Practice
Mr. Reed
Information
Falsity
Truth
Malice
Facts
Public
Mr. Reed
Old
Reputation
Hate
Environment
Him
Name
Accomplishments
Golfer
Person
Husband
Father
Children
He
At least we know his pronouns are He/Him. Mine are Golfer/Tortfeasor.
But that’s 35 nouns in one sentence! I’m a writer, and I rarely write 35-word sentences. In all, that sentence is 146 words when about eight would have sufficed. Do you know what would have been more effective?
They fucked Patrick hard and with constitutional malice.
Judges appreciate it when you get to the point. I’m sure there’s a day in law school where a professor says “never use 146 words when 8 will do.”
Their point is that Tour and Golf Channel slandered him. Constitutional malice is “the publishing of a defamatory statement either knowing it is false or with reckless disregard for its truth or falsity.” Except they never prove it.
Patrick’s got receipts
Here’s one of their examples of slander. Uberdork said:
This quote is obviously talking about two people (both of them) being kicked out of the World Golf Hall of Fame. One minor point: Patrick Reed is not in the World Golf Hall of Fame. He’s nowhere close to the World Golf Hall of Fame. For $20.95, he can visit it, I guess.
Patrick didn’t read the article
Chamblee again defamed Reed, this time writing an article about greed:
Except, Patrick Reed is not mentioned in the article once.
Oops.
Patrick is a family man
Unmentioned is that LIV will be a 25-tournament series in 2023. Patrick will be expected to play in all tournaments in “Thailand, England, Korea, Vietnam, the Middle East, Indonesia, China, Singapore, Hong Kong, the Americas, and Europe.”
On the evil PGA Tour, he’s averaged 23 tournaments in the last 5 seasons. The tired “spend more time with family” line is bullshit. And if he really wanted to spend more time with his family, why was he also a member of the DP World Tour?
In the end, Pat is asking for $750 million, plus consequential damages, punitive damages, legal fees, and anything else the judge will give him.
Reed’s lawyers, the infamous Larry Klayman from Judicial Watch and Freedom Watch, and Sanjay Biswas, a DWI lawyer out of Frisco, Texas, have to know how weak this suit is. This is obviously the work of Patrick’s wife Karen Justine a/k/a @usegolffacts on Twitter and Wikipedia edits.
There’s no way this suit does not end hilariously.